Thursday, August 28, 2014

Chapters We'd Like to See in the Textbooks

A few of us at the VBB roundtable were wondering why we never see the following chapters in any of our veterinary textbooks: 

Chapter 1:   How to Accept That You Chose to Become an Emotional Sponge for the Public Without Killing Yourself.

Chapter 2:  How to Fake Diseases in your Patients Just So You Can Steal Money from Your Clients.

Chapter 3:  How Not to Giggle When Someone Tells You Their Name is Melena.

Chapter 4:  A Concise Surgery How-To Guide:  Cut that Shit Off...  It's Simple as Shit.

Chapter 5:  A Concise Surgery How-To Guide Part Two:   I Cut that Shit Off But It Wasn't Simple as Shit.
Chapter 6:  A Concise Surgery How-To Guide Part Three:  I Cut that Shit Off, It Wasn't Simple as Shit and Now I Wish I'd Never Started This.

Chapter 7:  A Concise Surgery How-To Guide Part Four:  I've Been in Surgery for 3 Hours, I Cut that Shit Off, It Wasn't Simple as Shit and Now I Have to Just Close the Damned Wound and See What Happens.

Chapter 8:  Surgery:  The Ultimate Hack and Slash Experience.

Chapter 9:  Table Sugar:  Rub It on the Weenie and It Will Go Down.

Chapter 10:  Foxtails:  Not Just for the Gardener Anymore.

Chapter 11:   Canned Pumpkin:  So Many Uses, So Many Doses.

Chapter 12:  So You've Just Accidently Stabbed Yourself with Euthanasia Solution...  What's Next?

Chapter 13:   Using a Flea Circus and Homing Fleas to Increase Your Bottom Line. 

Chapter 14:  Controlling your Desire to Choke the Living Shit Out of Someone.

Chapter 15:  Post Grad Wal-Mart Budget:  Another Way of Looking at Student Loan Debt  (aka You Only Thought You Were Done Eating Ramen Noodles)

Chapter 16:  Vaccines Schedules:  Obviously Dr. Google Knows Best.

Chapter 17:  Keeping a Straight Face When a Client Wants to Keep the Toenails After You Trim Their Dog's Toenails.

Chapter 18:  Chocolate Vomit:  A Love Hate Relationship.

What chapter would YOU like to see in the textbooks?  



  1. It just ate my post! Nooo! Take two.

    1. How to diagnose from an incomplete verbal history and useless non-medical descriptions over the phone.

    2. Home Remedies; What owners can use over the counter or at home to treat a variety of ailments without having to come to your clinic (reference chapter 1)

    3. Translation Guide
    - that mass just showed up the other day = that mass has been there for six months
    - he didn't get into anything that would cause him to vomit like this = he always gets bacon and McDonalds and braunschweiger and some of my coffee
    - he wasn't sick when I saw you a week ago, now he is! = when he was in a month ago for bloody diarrhea of a week duration and I declined all those diagnostics you recommended because he was starting to get better, I just didn't want to spend the money, but now I want you to give me stuff for free!

  2. Chapter 19: Anal Glands, and keeping your mouth shut while expressing them

    Chapter 20: Abscesses and Cuterebra, or why you don't have appropriate dinnertime conversations anymore

    1. Coughing...because we forgot to ask you if turning our crack fans to blow into the house could affect our pet's respiratory status...

  3. I with we'd been assigned Chapter 1 the first week of vet school, because if I had realized this earlier I'd never have stayed in clinical practice as long as I did. Leaving practice was the best career move I ever made.

  4. Chapter 9, section 2: Table sugar, not just for weenies (great for prolapses too and an addendum to Kristin's Chapter 20)

  5. How to hide your garage full of sports cars to trick your clients into thinking you aren't actually filthy rich.

  6. New chapter: how to provide a treatment plan for the world's most beloved (neglected for the past 10 years) pet for being T.F. Bundy and whose owners would do anything (within their $35 budget) to fix them

  7. Chapter 2, Part 2: Cool Sounding Fake Diseases. For the perfectly healthy pet whose owner swears is critically ill.

    Chapter 2, Part 3: Choosing the Right Capsule. Choosing the right color for the placebo does make a difference.

  8. Chapter 21: How to ascribe every redness, itching, or other ambiguous symptom to either (1) the presence of JUST one flea, or (2) dog food.

    Chapter 22: How to sell the world' crappiest, unhealthy, most nutritionally sketchy dog food while getting the public to think it's a miracle blend so that you and the dog food company can keep running that scam happily ever after.

    Oh wait, these Chapters must already be in the textbooks.

  9. My little J'fonda is sick again, last time they said it was just a reaction from eating chocolate. I don't think that is the case this time, it sounds like he isn't breathing super well. I need to get him help, I can't stand to see my pets in pain.

  10. No my dog does not need a distemper shot. He is not aggressive at all.

  11. Chapter 25: keeping a straight face while explaining to an owner that their dogs tail will not grow back and they cannot donate their blood we use dog blood.

  12. Chapter 25: keeping a straight face while explaining to an owner that their dogs tail will not grow back and they cannot donate their blood we use dog blood.

  13. Chapter 26: History taking: How to the same question in 12 different ways to get the real answer about clinical signs

    Chapter 27: Obesity: No, your dog is not just furry