Anyway, recently we have had two particularly memorable phone calls. One was from a client, and one was not. My ReceptionistBB was kind enough to help me reconstruct them for you here.
<ring, ring>I just don't even know what to say about this. Really. I mean - I was just not prepared for this to have actually happened. I am not sure how I will look at this client in the eye ever again, either.
RBB: VBB South-Central Outpost, how may I help you?
CBB: Hi, this is Ms. Epicure, I'm calling about Sir Pees-A-Lot.
RBB: Oh, hi there! How is Sir P doing today?
CBB: Well, I'd like to come pick up some more antibiotics for him.
RBB: Really? Hmm. It looks like we haven't seen Sir P in almost 3 years. What's going on?
CBB: He has a UTI and I need antibiotics for him.
RBB: I'm pretty sure our doctors will need to see him before they can prescribe. We need to get an accurate diagnosis.
CBB: Oh, I diagnosed him myself. See, I found this wet spot on my bed, and I wasn't sure what it was, so I tasted it. It was definitely urine with blood in it. So obviously Sir Pees-A-Lot has a UTI.
RBB: Oh, let me put you on hold for a minute & talk to the doctor...
[puts on hold, tells rest of office about this story...calamity ensues...then we all calm down & she gets back on the phone]
RBB: Hi. So sorry but Dr. VBB can't prescribe for a patient we haven't seen in more than a year without getting in trouble with the state board. We'll need to schedule an appointment.
CBB: but I already tasted the urine! You know, that is how they used to diagnose diabetes back in the day after all.
RBB: I understand, but dogs can have bloody urine for lots of reasons. How is Tuesday at 4:30?
Moving on to our non-client phone call....
RBB: Hello, VBB South-Central Outpost, how may I help you?
StrangerBehavingBadly: Hi - I have a really important question I could use your help with. It's about my purebred, registered Angolan Swizzle Hound.
RBB: Ok, I'll be right with you, just please hold for a moment [puts on hold]
SBB: [hangs up]
SBB: Hi it's me again, I don't really have time to hold, I need to know if my purebred registered Angolan Swizzle Hound had sex with our neighbor's dog.
SBB: How do I know if she had sex with our neighbor's dog? He got into our yard.
RBB: Well, is your dog in heat?
SBB: What does that mean?
RBB: You know - in season? fertile? accepting of males?
SBB: How would I know?
RBB: Well, what makes you think they had sex?
SBB: I saw him in the yard, he got on top of her, and he was on there for a while. But I didn't see his peter out, so, I don't know. But I'm worried they might have had sex.
RBB: Well, I wasn't there, so I really can't say. It sure sounds like they may have. You can bring her in for a checkup if you like.
SBB: Isn't there a rape kit for dogs or something?
RBB: No. Well, when did this occur?
SBB: five days ago.
RBB: OK, well - after five days, we might not find microscopic evidence even if that was something the doctor was going to look for which I would have to ask her anyway. If it was right away, surely we could look at a cytology but after five days, I'd have to check with the doctor.
SBB: Well how do I find out if my dog had sex?
RBB: Would you like to speak to the doctor?
SBB: No, he's probably as useless as you are. [hangs up]
Please share some of your phun phone calls in the comments!