How to Save Money on Vet Bills

You can find a lot of articles online about how to save money on your pet care bills, like by buying Old Ranch Genuine By-Products dog food or getting your pets’ vaccines at the feed store or cornering your neighbor veterinarian in her garden rather than taking your pet to her office. I’m here to say: Don’t do any of those. Instead, if you want to save money on pet care, keep your pet healthy by using common sense and following these rules:

• Keep your dog on a leash (with the other end of the leash attached to your person) or in a fenced yard.
• Keep your cat indoors.
• Spay or neuter your pets, preferably by one year of age. This reduces or eliminates the risk of many health problems (breast tumors, uterine infections, testicular tumors, prostate infections, etc.), prevents pregnancy complications, and reduces the urge to wander. Think of unspayed/ unneutered pets as teenagers with raging hormones but without even the tiniest modicum of sense to avoid moving vehicles.
• Don’t give your pet any human medications or supplements without first consulting with your veterinarian.
• Don’t let your pet get into illicit drugs.
• Check out the ASPCA Animal Poison Control Center website for a list of poisonous plants to keep away from pets. Big ones are lilies for cats (including Easter lily flowers in floral arrangements this spring) and grapevines for dogs.
• Don’t keep any rodenticides (rat bait, mouse poison, gopher bait) on your property, even if you think they’re out of reach of the dog. There are various types of rat bait, which cause fatal hemorrhage, fatal kidney failure, or fatal brain swelling. Call an exterminator or use old-fashioned mouse traps.
• Don’t keep snail/slug bait (metaldehyde) on your property. Let the snails eat your hostas, or put out small saucers of beer to trap the snails. (We vets don’t want your dog drinking beer, either, but mild intoxication is preferable to fatal muscle tremors, seizures and hyperthermia.)
• Use only “pet safe” antifreeze.
• Don’t let your dog ride in the back of the pickup truck.
• Don’t ever leave a pet in a closed vehicle in the summer.
• Don’t feed your pet real bones. Real bones can break teeth and perforate intestines.
• Keep your pet on year-round parasite prevention (heartworm, intestinal parasites, fleas and ticks).
• Don’t let your pets eat these people foods: grapes, raisins, onions, garlic, chocolate, macadamia nuts, or anything spicy or fatty.

Answering the Critics

In reading some of the comments here, I have discovered that we are uncaring, unfeeling, uneducated evil bastards who are the sole cause for the downfall of our profession. It seems we've been busier than I thought, no wonder I'm so tired. It's hardly surprising, since we are Veteran Aryans.

I'm only one of the writers here, but I do read all the posts. They can all be boiled down to five words. Let us do our jobs.

We were quite passionate when we went into this profession, and still are. It's a hard profession, where we deal with life and death of beloved family members. It's hard at the best of times when you have to deliver bad news. We knew this going in, and accept it.

What drives us absolutely batty, and the reason for this blog, is the needless suffering we could have prevented. Pets dying of preventable diseases. The hit by cars that weren't on a lead. "But he's never been hit before." I've never been shot before, But I don't want to try it. The breeder/feed store guy/internet information that's flat wrong, and leads to pet's suffering. Needlessly.

Yes, we tell these stories, and do so with tongue firmly planted in cheek. Why? All of us are experienced, and have seen too much needless suffering and death. To keep going, we have all developed "combat humor". You either learn to laugh at the pain, or you don't last in this profession. It's that simple. I don't want to trade my white coat that buttons in front for one that ties in back.

Some think, because of our humor, we do not appreciate the gravity of these situations. That is categorically wrong. We are wise enough to know that the world is made of opposites. Yes/no, left/right, up/down. What is the opposite of gravity? Levity. It's not that we do not appreciate the gravity of a bad situation. We chose to fight back with gravity's opposite, levity.

Some have intimated that this is not an appropriate venue for these stories. It has been said that this would be better in a private, paid subscription site.

Personally, I tried that site years ago. Quite frankly, it wasn't worth the money to me. For that amount of money, I could annually spend 4 nights in a nice place on the beach, or give a raise to an employee. For medical consultation with my colleagues, there are referral centers, and other online alternatives.

I think it very appropriate that this is public. First, I have nothing to hide. And second, part of our job is to educate owners. If just one owner, having read this, decides to call their local vet instead of the feed store dude, it could save their pet from needless suffering and death. One life is worth it.

When it comes to ruining the profession or its reputation, you're going to need to take a deep breath. Do it now. Ready?

- We've got a professional association that seems clueless, and is more interested in politics and selling insurance than your average private practitioner,
- Colleagues personally and in print intimating that their competition is too expensive,
- Breeders/feed store guy/internet telling owners not to use us,
- "Some guy my cousin knows" doing $40 razor blade ear crops,
- Owners who listen to these people until their pet is past saving, then blame the vet for not being able to repair 7 years damage in 7 minutes,
- Chinese knockoff OTC meds,
- Drug companies undercutting us, and pulling needed meds,
- Internet pharmacy adverts intimating that vets are not needed and expensive running many thousand times per day.

OK, now breathe. That was just a quick list off the top of my head. There are more. After that, can you honestly say that a three week old blog is the downfall of our profession or its reputation? Please.

Some may not like our style. That's OK. If you do stress release in other ways, go do them. If in other places, then go there. It's a big, wide, and free world, and not every solution fits everyone. If something works for you, great. We will not interfere. We ask the same courtesy from you.

As I said, we just want to do our job, and do it to the best of our ability. We love to do some no holds barred vetting.

Random Tidbits

Male dogs have nipples just like men do.

When I ask what fluffy eats I mean everything. Please
include all treats and “chewies”.

Dogs, cats and many other species will mate with their
siblings. They do not care.

I see many rodents. Many people are attached to their rodent
pets. Please don’t ask my other clients why they would take “just a
(mouse, rat, hamster, etc) to the vet.”

When an animal that is house broken begins urinating inside
the house, don’t assume they have a behavior problem.

I will not euthanize an animal for convenience. I am sorry
fluffy is a burden to you when you decide to move.

Please, for the love of all, don’t show me your rash, cut,
lump, etc. I went to vet school to examine all other species. My medical
knowledge makes it highly probable that I know what you have, and I am grossed
out by icky humans.

Voicemail use - a primer

My office, like most veterinary hospitals I'm sure, has voicemail. We have an outgoing message along the general lines of "You have reached World's Best Veterinary Hospital. We are not available to answer the phone. Our office hours are (time) to (time) on (days). If you have an emergency or need to speak with a specific doctor urgently, please call (answering service number, where clients can arrange for a callback or receive emergency clinic information). Otherwise, for routine business, please leave a message after the beep." Seems straightforward enough, doesn't it? But oh, the huge manatee - it apparently is not. So, without further ado, a list of:

The VBB's Dos and Don'ts for voicemail. 

DO: leave your name, your pet's name, any additional identifying information, and a valid phone number. "Hi, this is Mr. John Jacobjingleheimerschmidt, spelled like it sounds. My dog JohnJacobJingleHeimerSchmidt (his name is my name too) is due for an annual exam. Please call me at (actual working phone number) to let me know if Tuesday the 5th at 4 PM works. Thank you."
DO NOT: leave a long drawn out message about your extremely ill pet, identified only as "Smokey," include your first name only, and request a call back "at my home number if you call before 9:01 AM, but my cell number between 9:01 and 9:23, and my work number after 9:23 until 4:30 PM but then go back to cell," without leaving any actual phone numbers.

DO: explain the problem and desired action clearly and concisely. "My dog has had several episodes of explosive diarrhea. I'd like you to call and advise me if  I should bring him in or if you can prescribe something."
DO NOT: start talking about how your dog had diarrhea all over the rug and then you had to go to the store and get carpet cleaner and then you just had it cleaned up when suddenly he let loose again and then there was diarrhea on the sofa as well as the carpet and boy was your husband mad and also he isn't eating, but he hardly ever really eats that much so that's not so much a concern except for the vomiting he did four or five times yesterday but that was on the tile floor so it wasn't important and BEEEEEEEEEEEP.


DO: follow instructions in our outgoing message regarding how to handle emergency situations, and follow up with the answering service or head directly to an emergency clinic if the problem is, you know, EMERGENT.
DO NOT: leave a recorded, middle-of-the-night message like "Hi, this is Notta, Notta Lottabrayne. I'm calling about my Australian Boomerhound, Dumasz. I think you have him under the name of Sumguy, not Lottabrayne. Anyway, I think he's actively dying. If you could please give me a call back when you get this, I would appreciate it. I need to know what to do. Thank you."

DO: Be polite. You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. "Hi, this is Ms. Calmreasonable. My dog Chowhound is vomiting and I wonder if he picked something up in the boarding kennel. I'd like to bring him in and discuss this. I can be reached at (number). Thank you."
DO NOT: Leave a message full of abuse and obscenity, such as "I picked my dog up last week from your kennel and he was FINE before I took him there and he seemed fine for three days afterwards and today he vomited and you damn well better pay to have my fucking carpet cleaned and I'm going to be there in 20 minutes and you fucking well better give me the medicine free, too, or I will badmouth you on the internet."

The Phone

I don't know if any of my colleagues enjoy callbacks. Personally, I get nervous calling someone back. What if they ask me something I don't know? (That's a rhetorical question. In fact, if someone asks me something I don't know, I will generally say "I don't know, let me check and get back to you." But I don't like it!) I do enjoy teaching things to people who are both interested in the subject matter and intellectually capable of grasping the subject matter quickly - but unfortunately for me, it seems my client base is not largely made up of such individuals. I therefore end up teaching things, or attempting to teach things, to other types of people, and to put it as politely as possible - I simply do not enjoy it as much when that happens, so, I generally dread callbacks, because I never know who I'm going to end up talking to - even if I'm calling someone I know, often, a third party answers the phone, after all.

That aside, here's a list of things that drives me crazy about phone calls:

1. "The person you are calling has not yet set up a voice mailbox. Please try again later." Really? In 2012?
2. "The number you have reached has been disconnected. Please check the number and try again." This is almost NEVER a data-entry problem on my end. I'm just saying.
3. I call, the phone is answered by a person who says "what do you want?" or "who is this" or some other vaguely hostile non-greeting. I say "Hi, I'm Dr. VBB, and I'm calling about Jane, is this Ms. Dogowner?" and the person responds "Ms. Dogowner? You think I'm a woman? FUCK you, bitch!" and hangs up. Honestly, I feel terrible about making such a grievous error, but I am but an imperfect human. Perhaps if the person who answered the phone did not take such high doses of anabolic steroids, he would have been less aggressively reactive AND maintained a more masculine sounding voice. I'm just saying.
4. I call with lab results, and the owner becomes so hysterical that I am unable to get even halfway through them, and they aren't even that bad. I try to be sympathetic and I always preface any "bad" results with the caution that "this might sound bad, but we have a plan to deal with it," if possible, but some people will hear that their dog had a weak positive on a Lyme antibody test and freak out beyond all reasonable belief. Then I have to be the asshole who has no feelings and has to get off the phone with a crying person so that I don't end up three hours behind in office visits.
5. The chatter. Sometimes, the recipient of the phone call is such a Chatty McChaterson that I wonder if they realize to whom they are speaking. Of course God forbid one of these people shows up for an appointment and I am running five minutes late because I was trying to be polite to Chattina McChatful on the phone that day.
6. Having to give bad news. That just sucks all around.

I could go on, but I've got to go make some calls.