These a a handful of rules to make your ER visit go faster and more smoothly. Consider them your ER FAQ.
1) I do not care about you, I'm there for your pet. So tell me the truth. Don't worry about what I will think about you, because I, quite frankly, don't have the time to BE thinking of you. I'm concerned with your pet. When you lie to me, it hurts your pet, and DOES make you look like an ass.
a) If you're going to lie, be sure all parties in the exam room have their stories straight. I neither have time to listen to, nor any interest in listening to you argue about no table food/always eats table food.
b) If you insist on arguing with your family, do it in person. Hang up the friggin cell phone. And NO, I will not get on the phone and take your side.
2) I am NOT a smorgasboard or buffet. You can't pick one diagnostic option and two treatment options. I'm not recommending this course of action just to hear myself talk. I'm doing it to reach an accurate diagnosis, and appropriate therapy for YOUR pet. Either shit or get off the pot. The outcomes are a lot better if you'll let me do my damn job.
a) If you think the internet or your aunt's breeder's third cousin can do a better job, feel free to take your critical care pet there.
3) I am NOT a bank. I don't do loans, and they don't do surgery. I know your "student loan can be expected within a month and you can start payments soon after". I know you're "good for it". If I only had a dollar for every time I heard that, I'd have actually made some money in this profession.
a) No, I'm not just going to "help you out" just this once because I'm a "rich doctor". I get paid last after all the bills, payroll, taxes etc. So sometimes I don't get paid at all. I'm not going to deprive my wife for some total stranger who is trying to use a guilt trip on me.
b) When you tell me you only have $200, don't flash 10 crisp $100 bills as you leave. If you decide to limit the treatment your pet receives, remember the outcome was YOUR decision.
4) Please leave your beer out in the car. And no, I don't want one.
5) There is a limit of 3 family members or 450 pounds of family in the exam room. Pick 3 normal sized ones or 2 large ones or 1 XXL. I need some room to maneuver to do my job.
6) The time to tell me that your pet is vicious is BEFORE your pet attempts to disembowel me or my tech.
a) If you laugh or praise your pet for drawing my blood, you WILL be thrown out.
7) No, I don't care how much you paid for you pet, and I'm not impressed by your registered "pure breed West Feliciana Yellow Cur".
8) No, you can't watch me doing surgery. I will be paying attention to your pet's needs, and don't want to be distracted because your pet's life is that important to me. This is not a reality show, it is friggin REALITY.
9) No, I do not watch, and have never seen the ER vets reality show. When you get off of work, do you want to watch a reality show about work? Neither do I.
These should help you with your ER visit. As a matter of record, I saw 5 of 9 this past weekend, which was very slow. On busier weekends we see more. In 19 years in the ER, I can't think of a weekend when we didn't see at least 3 of the 9.