Can I put a shock collar on my employee?
We have a new and hopefully-soon-to-be-ex technician assistant who has less tact and common sense than a blind cave salamander. Let’s call her Cave Salamander, or CS for short.
I’m actively trying to get CS fired but my office manager is so picky about documentation, so in the meantime I’ve been fantasizing about putting a shock collar on CS. You know, one of those big, heavy, electronic shock collars with a remote control trigger. Just imagine how useful that could be:
CS, on the phone with a client: “Sure, you can give your dog aspirin.”
CS: “Buddy’s owner wants to know if she can get a refill on his pills?”
Me: “Buddy who? What pills? Where’s the chart?”
CS: “I don’t know.”
CS: “How do I keep my pit bull from getting my Rottweiler pregnant?”
Me, suturing a laceration on an anesthetized dog.
CS: “There’s a guy on the phone who wants to know why his dog is peeing in the house.”
Me: “Take a message, pull the chart.”
CS: “But what would make the dog pee in the house?”
Me, gleefully breaking sterility to push the remote control trigger: Bzzt!
Just think of the possibilities!
The obese boarding cat whose chart clearly says “1/2 can food twice daily, no dry” has a quart-sized bowl in its cage full of dry kibble? Bzzt!
The back door which has a notice saying “Do Not Prop Door Open” is propped open? Bzzt!
I think I need to market this idea. Introducing the Zappy®, the World’s Best Personnel Training System, available exclusively from VBB!