Monday, January 9, 2012

Shock Collars for Employees?

Can I put a shock collar on my employee?

We have a new and hopefully-soon-to-be-ex technician assistant who has less tact and common sense than a blind cave salamander. Let’s call her Cave Salamander, or CS for short.

I’m actively trying to get CS fired but my office manager is so picky about documentation, so in the meantime I’ve been fantasizing about putting a shock collar on CS. You know, one of those big, heavy, electronic shock collars with a remote control trigger. Just imagine how useful that could be:

CS, on the phone with a client: “Sure, you can give your dog aspirin.”
Me: Bzzt!

CS: “Buddy’s owner wants to know if she can get a refill on his pills?”
Me: “Buddy who? What pills? Where’s the chart?”
CS: “I don’t know.”
Me: Bzzt!

CS: “How do I keep my pit bull from getting my Rottweiler pregnant?”
Me: Bzzt!

Me, suturing a laceration on an anesthetized dog.
CS: “There’s a guy on the phone who wants to know why his dog is peeing in the house.”
Me: “Take a message, pull the chart.”
CS: “But what would make the dog pee in the house?”
Me, gleefully breaking sterility to push the remote control trigger: Bzzt!

Just think of the possibilities!

The obese boarding cat whose chart clearly says “1/2 can food twice daily, no dry” has a quart-sized bowl in its cage full of dry kibble? Bzzt!

The back door which has a notice saying “Do Not Prop Door Open” is propped open? Bzzt!

I think I need to market this idea. Introducing the Zappy®, the World’s Best Personnel Training System, available exclusively from VBB!


  1. I will purchase a Zappy ASAP for my coworker who loves to disrupt the my ability to concentrate on my work by repeatedly making retarded turkey noises, retarded laughing noises, and the "WOAH!" from Blossom. She wanders our place of employment playing tricks on various staff members, such as turning their computer volume to maximum, hiding their cell phone, or stealing the wireless mouse from their work station and replacing it with someone else's, rendering their computer non functional. I appear to be the only person bothered by any of this, which continues to boggle me.

  2. Also works on reception staff....
    After being told no by every other doctor in the practice... "Mrs smith changed her travel plans and wants a different date on the Heath certificate. Will you authorize me to change the date?"
    zZzzWhap!!! Hell No you may not jeopardize my license by altering a legal document!

    And when you double book me with known biting little dogs owned by needy clients and then page to the treatment area in a pissy tone that people are complaining about the wait and want to know what is taking so long..... You got it...
    zZzzwhap!! Look at the computer schedule and answer the question yourself Cuz I do not have time to discuss the intricate details of this particular delay!

    Oooooh yah ... That felt real good. I sprung for the model with adjustable power and a Boost function and a 20 mile range for rapid response while on farm calls.

  3. Do they make a longer-distance model for Animal Control?

    "Hey Doc, I know it's 1am, but I have this dog that got hit by a car and the owner doesn't have a car so they wanted me to bring it in."
    "Ok, well is the owner with you, or do they know this costs money, and did they provide payment information?"
    "Umm, no, but..."
    "So, did they sign the dog over to your possession then?"
    "Well no, but- ZZZZAP!

  4. How about a version for clients? Oooh oooh and a foot pedal controller, so no breaking sterility!


    Maybe this would work? Of course, you'd have to be closer for it to be effective.