Shock Collars for Employees?

Can I put a shock collar on my employee?

We have a new and hopefully-soon-to-be-ex technician assistant who has less tact and common sense than a blind cave salamander. Let’s call her Cave Salamander, or CS for short.

I’m actively trying to get CS fired but my office manager is so picky about documentation, so in the meantime I’ve been fantasizing about putting a shock collar on CS. You know, one of those big, heavy, electronic shock collars with a remote control trigger. Just imagine how useful that could be:

CS, on the phone with a client: “Sure, you can give your dog aspirin.”
Me: Bzzt!

CS: “Buddy’s owner wants to know if she can get a refill on his pills?”
Me: “Buddy who? What pills? Where’s the chart?”
CS: “I don’t know.”
Me: Bzzt!

CS: “How do I keep my pit bull from getting my Rottweiler pregnant?”
Me: Bzzt!

Me, suturing a laceration on an anesthetized dog.
CS: “There’s a guy on the phone who wants to know why his dog is peeing in the house.”
Me: “Take a message, pull the chart.”
CS: “But what would make the dog pee in the house?”
Me, gleefully breaking sterility to push the remote control trigger: Bzzt!

Just think of the possibilities!

The obese boarding cat whose chart clearly says “1/2 can food twice daily, no dry” has a quart-sized bowl in its cage full of dry kibble? Bzzt!

The back door which has a notice saying “Do Not Prop Door Open” is propped open? Bzzt!

I think I need to market this idea. Introducing the Zappy®, the World’s Best Personnel Training System, available exclusively from VBB!

Lumps Down South

A male dog was brought in because of "possible cancer".

Client: “I was rubbing his belly and noticed these lumps
down south. I rubbed them and they wouldn’t go away. Does he have cancer? Is he going to die?”
Dr: “Ma’am, Those are the glands which swell with an
erection. They are called the bulbus glandis. ”
Client: “So you are
saying that I am making my dog horney? He would never…would he?”
Dr: “You are stimulating him. Stop rubbing and the lumps
will go away.”

Stupid Human Tricks

You really should not let your dogs ride in the back of your truck without being in a kennel.

Remember when your mother told you to change your underwear every day because if you got into a car accident, the last thing you'd want anybody to know is that you're wearing dirty underwear?

It's kind of that same concept.  Murphy's Law will kick you in the ass every time.

And, if it's *illegal* to let your dog ride free in the back of the truck, perhaps there is a reason for it.

Otherwise, you'll come into my clinic carrying your dog, because someone rear-ended your truck and your dog went flying across the street.  Now it's leg is broken and oh, let me guess...  you have no money!!!

You can barely afford the euthanasia and then only if I comp you the urgent care exam that I stepped out of a surgery for...    so because I love your dog  (intact female Pit Bull)  much more than you do, I put it to sleep for you.  And I will carry the pain of her loss in MY heart because you, as a human, are too stupid to deserve to have such caring human emotion.

All.  Completely.  Avoidable.