Saturday, September 29, 2012

Please don't stand so close to me!

Despite my hardened cynical exterior, deep inside I have the heart of a social butterfly. Really. I enjoy chatting with people, when they aren't being stupid idiots, and the confines of the exam room don't usually provide cause for me to feel like my personal space is being impinged upon.

That said, life is full of exceptions, isn't it?

I wish I could post a sign on my door listing the expectations I have. To gain entry to my exam room, you must be:

1. Fully clothed. If it requires bikini waxing to prevent hair from curling up above your waistband, you are not fully clothed. If I can see your areaolae, you are not fully clothed. If I can describe the fabric and color of your undergarments, you are not fully clothed.

2. Reasonably clean. This isn't to say that I mind good clean DIRT, or anything. Accumulated layers of human sweat and filth that has not been showered off in who knows how long is another thing entirely. If you've been in the garden just prior to your visit, fine. If you've been gardening all summer and you haven't showered since Easter, step off.

3. Hands-off. You must be able to control yourself. If you feel compelled to touch everything within a 4 foot radius, including my vaccine refrigerator, my otoscope cones, my prize bandage scissors, and even my own personal body - you can't come in. Go away.

4. A Pet Owner: At this point in my life, I really do not have time to talk to you unless you have a pet. I do not want to be on TV. I do not want to be in the newspaper. I do not want to do a presentation at your 8-year-old's school. If you are in the pre-purchasing phase and you are serious about finding a vet in advance - ok, yes, I will speak with you. But if you are just here to "interview" me for your own personal benefit, guess what? I am totally not interested.

What are your exam room entry rules??


  1. Not stoned or drunk. Ain't nobody got time for that.

  2. Add that I'm not a non-profit charity, so I can't work for free... no matter how much I love pets.

  3. THE PRIMARY DESCION MAKER . I don't want to play information relay while your husband and kids discuss thing at home via you on your cell phone. And the corallary NOT A MINOR. I don't mind children who mind their parents in an exam room and I will even go out of my way to inform them of the situation in a way they can understand, but when I finish my spiel I NEED someone present who can authorize or decline treatment within a reasonable ( say 90 seconds for routine issues and 5-15 minutes for large bills and life or death emergencies) time frame. I hate when after explaining CHF and it's treatment for 20 minutes complete with pictures, the person I am talking to says " I have to call home my spouse makes all the decisions about money" or I have a check from aunt Tilley can you take that without her being here?

  4. Please don't hand me your cell phone. Especially when you have taken it out of your sweaty sports bra.... I will not only not talk on it, I will not touch it. Have your baby daddy call the land line. No, he cannot call my cell number. Either give me his number and I will call him on the land line or you give him the clinic number. Not only do most cell phones have feces on them (yes, I can hear you one stall over, texting), yours has nasty boob sweat.

  5. Oh god the cell phone is THE WORST! Do gross people not realize that you can SMELL THEIR NASTY BREATH on their cell phone? If I can smell it, I might be able to taste it, so no thanks. Hygiene is severely lacking with much of the general public. EEEEWWW.

  6. Will not crawl into your lap or between your legs to examine your cowering pet you seem to be unwilling to place on the table or forcibly remove from your cleavage.

  7. Please be able to recognize RIGOR MORTIS and don't drift race your car into the parking lot tires squealing and pound on the door hard enough to break the glass when the dog is rigid as a saw horse, glassy eyed and room temp! I can't fix all the way dead only mostly dead. Once rigor mortis sets in the only thing to do is rifle through their pickets for loose change. Also realize that based on which particular orifice is dripping pus I can easily assess that your dog was NOT fine yesterday.

    1. "I'm not a witch, I'm your wife!" Sorry, I couldn't help it.