Thursday, February 9, 2012

Aliens came down and did...what?

It was one of those crazy days here at VBB where every client that came in was needy, difficult or just plain weird. This one stood out.
It begins with the phone call.  The receptionist comes back and says “Doc, you’re going to love the appointment I just made for you.  This new client thinks aliens came down and gave her cat worms.”  I think  “Great.  I’m not a psychiatrist.”  But I keep an open mind.  Maybe the receptionist heard the owner wrong or misinterpreted what she said.  So I wait to decide for myself when the owner is here.
The owner comes in with her cat.
Me: “Good morning.  I’m Dr. VBB.  How are you and Fluffy today?”
Owner: “I’m worried about these lesions.  I don’t want her to get sick from the worms.”
Me: “OK, so tell me why you think she has worms.  Did you see them in her stool?”
Owner: “No.  A couple weeks ago a dark cloud came down into my backyard from the sky.  It was a clear day so I didn’t understand what it was at first.  Then the cloud came into my house through the screen door.  It engulfed me and paralyzed me.  I couldn’t move.  I felt prickly all over.  It scared me.  Fluffy was right there and I didn’t want her to be scared but I couldn’t move to reach her.  Finally the black cloud left and I was released.  The next day I had these lesions on my arms and legs.  I don’t know what they are.  Do you?”
Me: “Um.  You feel the cloud gave you these lesions?”
Owner: “I know it did.  See?  It’s worms, right?”
Me: “I recommend you see your doctor right away to evaluate those lesions.  Fluffy, on the other hand, seems fine.  Her physical exam is normal and she does not have any skin lesions.”
Owner: “Oh. You sure? Cuz the black cloud touched her too”
Me: “If you want to be sure, we could collect a fecal sample to look for worms or do a fungal culture of her fur to look for ringworm.”
Owner: “Well, I’ll just watch her for now.  She seems ok otherwise.  I just got so worried about her.”
Me: “I understand your concern for Fluffy.  Let me know if she develops any lesions.  Please consider seeing your doctor about those skin lesions.  They may be able to help you with them.”
Owner: “Thank you so much.”
I find that sometimes listening is the best form of treatment.  After all, who doesn’t want to be heard and understood.


  1. Twilight Zone music should be playing in background.

  2. I would not be able to keep a straight face.

  3. Somebody's been watching Ancient Aliens.

  4. I just found this blog and I love reading all of your secrets. But now I am afraid of dark clouds...

  5. I had a lady once who was pretty sure her dog was being controlled by aliens. When I couldn't diagnose this on physical exam she seemed very frustrated.

  6. You know what, Stuart, I LIKE YOU. You're not like the other
    people, here, in the trailer park.

    Oh, don't go get me wrong. They're fine people, they're
    good Americans. But they're content to sit back, maybe
    watch a little Mork and Mindy on channel 57, maybe kick
    back a cool, Coors 16-ouncer. They're good, fine people,
    Stuart. But they don't know ... what the queers are doing
    to the soil!

    You know that Jonny Wurster kid, the kid that delivers papers
    in the neighborhood. He's a foreign kid. Some of the neighbors
    say he smokes crack, but I don't believe it.

    Anyway, for his tenth birthday, all he wanted was a Burrow Owl.
    Kept bugging his old man. "Dad, get me a burrow owl. I'll never
    ask for anything else as long as I live." So the guy
    breaks down and buys him a burrow owl.

    Anyway, 10:30, the other night, I go out in my yard, and there's
    the Wurster kid, looking up in the tree. I say, "What are
    you looking for?" He says "I'm looking for my burrow owl."
    I say, "Jumping Jesus on a Pogo Stick. Everybody knows
    the burrow owl lives. In a hole. In the ground. Why the hell do you
    think they call it a burrow owl, anyway?" Now Stuart, do you
    think a kid like that is going to know what the queers are
    doing to the soil?

    I first became aware of this about ten years ago, the summer
    my oldest boy, Bill Jr. died. You know that carnival comes into
    town every year? Well this year they came through with a ride
    called The Mixer. The man said, "Keep your head, and arms, inside
    the Mixer at all times." But Bill Jr, he was a DAAAREDEVIL, just
    like his old man. He was leaning out saying "Hey everybody,
    Look at me! Look at me!" Pow! He was decapitated! They found
    his head over by the snow cone concession.

    A few days after that, I open up the mail. And there's a pamphlet
    in there. From Pueblo, Colorado, and it's addressed to Bill, Jr.
    And it's entitled, "Do you know what the queers are doing to our

    Now, Stuart, if you look at the soil around any large US city,
    there's a big undeground homosexual population. Des Moines, Iowa,
    for an example. Look at the soil around Des Moines, Stuart.
    You can't build on it; you can't grow anything in it. The government
    says it's due to poor farming. But I know what's really going on,
    Stuart. I know it's the queers. They're in it with the aliens.
    They're building landing strips for gay Martians, I swear to

    You know what, Stuart, I like you. You're not like the other
    people, here in this trailer park.

    1. There is little that a good Dead Milkmen reference cannot make better. Every time I see someone praying about football I think of the song, "I Dream of Jesus."

  7. I had a meth head call and want something for the fleas under his skin!

  8. I'm a first year student and this blog has now become the biggest threat to my virology grade. Read the whole thing this week. Loving it.