Wednesday, February 1, 2012

........You might be a vet

While we have clever writers here, we know that we do not hold a monopoly on snark and silliness in our profession. This has been discussed in our top secret, Shor-Line "Fortress of Vetitude".

I would like to ask our reader's help. The topic is " might be a vet" I'll get us started, and add your contribution in the comments. The only rules are that your contribution must be both plausible and funny.

If you've ever eaten ice cream with a tongue depressor.....ymbav.

If sometimes you think it's equally important to wash BEFORE you go to the bathroom......ymbav.

If you can't think of a bodily fluid you have not had on your body.....ymbav.

If you consider anal sacs appropriate conversation over a meal.......ymbav.

Please discuss amongst yourselves.


  1. If you've ever delivered two rotten, emphysematous lambs, gotten back in the truck and thought, "man, I'm HUNGRY!"....ymbav.

  2. If you've ever heard someone say they have a fever of 101, and you think "But, that's normal!"

    1. Every time I see a commercial on TV for children's cold and flu medicine, and they show the little kid with the fever of 101, I think..."but that's fine, why are they....owait."

  3. If you've ever: thought cautery smells like barbeque....ymbav.
    If people slowly stop eating around you at dinner.... ymbav.
    If you fight over who gets to assist with the abscess case... ymbav tech.
    If you can clean up puke with one hand with your coffee or lunch in the other hand... ymbavt.
    If you've ever found body parts in the surgery washer... ymbavt.

  4. If you've ever ha to decide between eating your lunch at the lab counter (where fecals are run) or the treatment table that was recently covered in anal gland abscess... ymbav tech.

    If you've ever found a turd in your pocket and not been able to figure out how/when it got there... ymbavt.

  5. If you ever are treating your 4 year old child with a spray for an insect bite and he asks, "Is this dog medicine?" and you tell him "Oh no honey, this is for people!" Then you laugh.

    If your husband asks for cold medicine at home and specifically requests the "human kind"

  6. If you have a thermometer in your house marked "humans only" because all the others have ended up in an animal's rectum, ymbav.

    If you use stainless steel dog bowls for communal snacks, ymbav.

    If your patients are continually shoving their noses in your crotch and you don't sue for sexual harassment, ymbav.

    If you've had to change your clothes four times before noon because you've been peed on, ymbav.

    If you can make your entire staff itch by uttering a single word, ymbav.

  7. If you can recognize the *sound* of maggots on an animal in the next room, ymbav.

    If you like to freak out the staff by stirring your coffee with an , as yet, unused fecal loop, ymbav.

    If you describe the milky pink chylous effusion from your feline patient as "strawberry quik," then immediately pretend to drink it to freak out a tech, ymbav.

    If you go to lunch and look down to see a partially dried testicle clinging to your shoe rather than the slightly less embarrassing piece of toilet paper, ymbav.

    1. The testicle one had me almost on the floor with laughter.

  8. If you can eat strawberry yogurt after draining a bloody cat abscess...ymbav

    If the sight of roundworms makes you crave spaghetti...ymbav

    If you take your child to the hospital for an injury and describe it as affecting his "hind limb" - ymbav

    If you don't own a single item of clothing that isn't permanently covered in dog or cat fur ...ymbav

    If audible hemorrhage makes you laugh...ymba(experienced)v

    If you know what it's like to sneeze into your surgical mask 10 minutes into a 2 hour procedure...ymbav

  9. If you ever took bets on what the color and texture the spuck coming out of an abscess would be.... ymbav tech!

  10. If the kitty litter cake is absolutely hilarious and not gross in any way...ymbav

    If you spill a drink on yourself and think "If this is the worst thing that gets on me today, its a good day!"...ymbav

  11. If you have ever used types of food to describe fecal consistency...ymbav.

    If you know from personal experience what pyrantel and a/d taste like...ymbav.

  12. If you crave a chocolate bar after inducing emesis on a chocolate toxicity dog, YMBAV tech.

  13. If you're not really surprised at finding a used syringe in your bag... ymbav

    If you ask your friend how her puppy is doing while picturing her kid in your head... ymbav

    If you can swear to your clients that the dog treats sold by the local pet store taste like banana... ymbav

  14. If you've ever smelled a body fluid in a age to determine if it's urine or vomit.

  15. Most of your work wardrobe has stained sleeves on your palpating side you might be animal vet!

  16. If your kids learnt to drink from Hills cups, instead of sippy cups....ymbav

  17. If you are showing an ultrasound picture of your baby and say, "Here's her rear legs."

    If you routinely eat your lunch in the treatment room, sitting *directly* under the sign that says "No Food or Drink."

    If you see random dogs at the park and start trying to mentally figure out if they've got hip dysplasia or a ruptured cruciate.

  18. If you pet your friend's dog and then proceed to an oral exam...ymbav.

    If you know from experience that anal gland discharge takes a long time to clean out of your hair...ymbav.

  19. When you find a hair in your food, and rather than be disgusted, you pick it out and try to figure which patient it came from while you resume your meal... ymbavt

    When you express your cat's anal glands and you first though is that it looks like chocolate icing... ymbavt.

  20. If your pet has ever made a vet say "I've never seen that before"... ymbav tech.

  21. If you noticed something brown and wet on your shoe, might be a leaf, might be poo, so your reach down with your bare hand to find out, ymbav

    If you've ever gone to church after work and noticed the huge smear of blood on the underside of your arm as you fold your hands to pray, ymbav

    If your friends deliberately don't ask you how your day was at dinner because they don't want to hear about abscesses and putrified flesh, ymbav

    1. You must add to this rachael... If you ever eat a Dog treat just to make a coworker smile.... ymbavt

  22. If you've ever thought "wow, I'm really hungry" while dissecting a cadaver or watching a necropsy... ymbav(student)

    If you've ever told your hypochondriac friend that no, they probably don't have Diabetes, because their signalment makes it a far less likely differential... ymbav

    If you've ever used an x-ray table as your lunch table.. ymbav

    If you can eat a bowl of spaghetti while looking at pictures of ascarids and not even bat an eye... ymbavstudent

    If every time someone tells you about their new puppy, you mentally start running through every disorder that breed is predisposed to... ymbav

  23. if you look at a hamburger bun with sesame seeds and think "ooo tapeworms!"... ymbav/ymbavt
    if you go into a grocery store after work or during lunch and realize you still have blood all over you... ymbav/ymbavt
    if you go near a blacklight you inspect yourself for ringworm...ymbav/ymbavt
    when you explain the potential for zoonosis to an owner when a fecal comes up positive and in your head you wonder how many parasites you have gotten...ymbav/ymbavt

  24. If while walking home from the pool with your child you see a collapsed dog, quickly establish that it is your patient and your clinic is currently closed, hop in the owner's car and direct them to your house, dash in and find your child's thermometer, diagnose heat stroke, and cool the dog down in your front yard with all your neighbors watching... all while wearing your swimsuit. YMBAV

    If you diagnose your husband with hip dysplasia and send him to his doctor with the radiographs you took. And your diagnosis was correct. YMBAV (Happened to a friend, can't take credit.)

  25. If you haved combed your hair at work with a dog comb because you left yours at home...ymbav

    If have gone shopping for food after a long day at work and only notice you are still wearing your manure-covered stethoscope after leaving the store...ymbav

  26. If you wear scrubs on your days off because you are the most comfortable in them...ymbav/ymbavt

    If you have thrown cat testicles onto the ceiling so that they stick and then take bets as to when they will fall...ymbav/ymbavt

    If you can diagnose the cause of the diarrhea just by the smell...ymbav/ymbavt

    If you've made a necklace out of puppy tails and cat claws to highlight your Halloween costume...ymbav/ymbavt

    If your children have teethed on sterile rawhide chews or nylabones instead of human teething rings...ymbav/ymbavt

  27. "If you can't think of a bodily fluid you have not had on your body.....ymbav."

    I recently had a corneal ulcer rupture and spew aqueous into my mouth. True story. Now I really have had all bodily fluids on me...