Monday, January 23, 2012

Things I've Actually Said to Clients

Client with two English Bulldogs who were constantly in the clinic for one reason or another:
Client: "What would you do if I told you I was thinking of getting a third Bulldog?"
Dr. Snarky: "I'd go shopping for a boat."

Client whose Golden Retriever presented for staph pyoderma of the dorsal midline:
Client: "I'm pretty sure it's fungal".
Dr. Snarky: "It's not fungal."
Client: "Well, a while ago I had a pretty bad case of jock itch. Could I have passed it to the dog?"
Dr. Snarky: "Not unless you're in the habit of riding him around the house bareback and naked".

Client: "My dog needs one of those bordello shots."
Dr. Snarky: "You take your dog with you to the whorehouse?"

Client of ancient Dachshund with generalized paresis that knuckled over on his right front paw when walking (client was a retired circuit court judge of very sober demeanor):
Client (proudly): "I figured out the perfect way to protect his paw."
Dr. Snarky: "Do tell."
Client: "I went to the drug store and bought a single condom. It's waterproof, and protects the paw perfectly!"
Dr. Snarky: "I bet they're impressed when you ask for the one foot size."
(No reaction from da judge. Not a smile, nothing - just awkward silence. This same client came in for an appointment a few years later sporting a t-shirt that had a picture of a Dachshund, and the logo "Beware of my weiner". I'm certain the double-entendre sailed right over his head. I happily imagined him wearing it to church).


  1. Client: "I'm not neutering him. I won't do that to him."

    Dr. Kitten: "Is there some *special* reason you're so attached to your dog's testicles?"

  2. Client ***insert endless internet-derived wrong diagnoses and assertions here***
    Dr. Snarky: "Look, there's only one doctor in this room. It's not you, and it's not Dr. Google".

  3. You remind me of my previous boss. Once a client told him that Fluffy no longer liked to sleep on the bed with her, and he instantly replied, "Well, maybe your feet stink."

  4. Me to client: "Hold him up a little closer to the phone. I can't see him from here."

    1. fellow tech to a client demanding over the phone treatment for "earmites" in a cocker spaniel: "Put the phone up to the dog's ear, I'll try and blow them out."

  5. Client: blah, blah, blah, I've always done it that way.

    Me: How's that working for ya?

    or, Me: You know, they say that doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is the definition of insanity.

    and one of my favorites from last week, Client: I don't think fleas are the problem and I don't want to give him anything internal. The people at (insertnameofdiscountchain) said I could put this on him(holding up tube)and it will keep the fleas off just as well as XXXX. Me: How's that workin for ya? and, That's my diagnosis, here are your medications. If that doesn't suit you maybe you can take him to (insertnameofdiscountchain) and they can diagnose him for you.

    1. Obewon, those clients are in flea-nile......

  6. When clients ask me to diagnose something over the phone, I have been known to ask them what color pants I am wearing.

  7. Client, upon being informed their dog's tumor was cancerous: "What caused the tumor?"
    Dr. Snarky: "If I knew that, I'd be relaxing on a beach somewhere with an umbrella drink, enjoying my Nobel Prize money."

    1. Client: What caused my horse to colic/founder?

      Me: a paraphrase of akdvm666's post above.

  8. AK! I've said the same thing re the Nobel prize:-D

  9. And just today...Client: can you tell how old he is from the xray?
    Me: No, we'll have to cut off his leg and count the rings!

  10. To client who is insisting that whatever miracle cure they bought over the internet is "all natural," and therefore completely safe.
    Me: "Cyanide and arsenic are also completely natural."

  11. Client: "I'm not giving my dog anything that's not 100% natural."
    Dr. Snarky: "Great. He'll die of natural causes."

  12. Don't forget the magic dental rinse that's suppose to cure grade 4/4 dental disease and save all of Fluffy's rotten teeth!

  13. Wow, yes, I'm pretty sure my one bulldog paid for our vet's recent one month vacation. That's fine. He deserves it. :)

  14. Exchange between me and crazy, nasty, demanding, manipulative, bad pay non-client with problem that had been going on for days who paged me in the wee hours of the morning. Woman was attempting to charm/bully me into seeing it vs. going to the "much too expensive emergency hospital":

    "Look, honey..."
    "That's DOCTOR Honey, to you."

    Once I got her off the phone, she did not call back.

  15. Client: *proudly displaying 4 month old shih-tzu pup* How old do these guys live?
    Dr. Husband: Approximately ten plus years, give or take.

    *three days later*
    Client: *on phone* Doc, you said shih-tzus live to be at least ten! Mine was hit by a car this morning and died and she was only four months!

    No joke, I was standing right beside Dr. Husband when he took that call. I was torn between laughing hard enough to pee myself or being glum from the tragedy.