Tuesday, January 10, 2012

When the Neighbors Find Out You're a Vet

So.  We've met the neighbors. 

My husband was out in the garage, pouring paint into a tray in preparation of sprucing up some of the contractor white walls we just purchased, when the next-door-Neighbor Lady showed up, dragged like a water skier by an exceedingly obese, wild, WET Labrador retriever.  It's a small miracle the dog stayed out of the paint while she introduced herself and chatted a bit, because she just let him crash around our garage.  Clearly I haven't trained Husband properly, because he failed to LIE and say I'm an IRS agent or undertaker or professional video gamer or some other (please, ANY other) job that doesn't give the neighbors the idea that it's okay to come knocking when the dog has a tick on it or needs a nail trim and they just are so afraid of cutting one too short or the cat has lost five pounds because it hasn't eaten in a month...

The completely predictable knock came not long after.  It was about 10pm one week night, and we had ALL the lights off, since we were watching a spooky movie and like to get the full adrenaline thing going.  Now, *I* would never consider knocking on someone's door at night when all the lights are off...I'd think it's safe to assume there's some sleeping going on, but clearly that doesn't always cross a person's mind.  But I digress...

I opened the door to find Neighbor Lady standing there, 12-ish year old kid behind her.  Neighbor Lady's holding a little piece of hooked metal up in her hand, on display.  The Kid was peeking around Neighbor Lady's side, horrified look on her face, shaking her head in a desperate plea for mercy.  Neighbor Lady proceeded to explain that this little piece of metal is SUPPOSED to fit in a little hole in some sort of orthodontic torture device the kid just had installed in her mouth, and Neighbor Lady was supposed to give it a crank every day to force the kid's palate to spread wider.  Only she couldn't quite get it to work right, and "since you're a Vet I thought you could probably help me??  You know, because you use this kind of stuff all the time."  Against my better judgement, I decided to try to make nice.  We plan to live here a while, so maybe I should be friendly.  Or whatever.

There are about 1000 reasons I don't have children, and I've decided orthodontic torture devices are Reason Number 437.  I invited the two of them in, sat Kid down at my kitchen table, and took the metal hooky thing and tried to crank the skull spreader doohickey.  Only JUST as I was wondering at the impressive amount of pressure required to turn the thing, it slipped out of the hole and raked all the way down the roof of Kid's mouth and darn near down her throat.  Kid was a champ- did NOT bite or even ralph on my feet, though I'm pretty certain I stabbed her RIGHT in the tonsil.  That's when I explained it's not a Vet's job to torture small children, that's what their mothers are for.  I sent them packing, with advice to go BACK to the orthodontist's office for some proper instruction.

So, my question is this:  WHY is it okay to knock on a Vet's door at all hours when there's a problem with your pet (or, for goodness' sake, your KID?!)?  Do you just pop over with your taxes on Sunday April 14th for a little help from your accountant neighbor?   Because it's URGENT that you get it done today and those emergency accountants are SO EXPENSIVE!  Do you expect your neighbor with the landscaping business to want to mow your lawn because he just loves grass?  I'm going to go out on a limb and guess no.  Because when people are at home, they want a break from work.  PLEASE, people- if you have pets, establish a relationship with a Vet at his or her place of business, and figure out what the plan is if something comes up after hours.  Don't go knocking on your poor neighbor Vet's door when she's off-duty.  A quickie exam performed in the flickery light of someone's front porch will never serve your pets' best interest.  And never, EVER ask us to play doctor (or even orthodontist) on a HUMAN.  Humans are disgusting creatures and most of us are totally grossed out by all of you people anyway.

15 comments:

  1. It is not just Vets this happens too. Soon as anyone knows I work on computers its game over... I have even had someone come to my door on Christmas morning because the computer they bought the kids doesn't work because the parent opened it up Christmas eve and got a virus.. now this was my problem how??

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  2. I sympathize. I'm a professional opera singer and people think it's totally fine to ask me to belt something out in the middle of a store, or sing at their second cousin's daughter's best friend's wedding, or *shudder* in their church choir "because you have SUCH a beautiful voice", or a funeral ... and then they are stunned, STUNNED to find out that not only do I charge for these services, but that there are at least a couple of zeros attached to the number quoted.
    So you see, it's not just vets who have to put up with this kind of thing... though thankfully, opera singers don't usually have the customer service issues you guys do. ;) Hang in there!

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  3. Heh, I have learned to tell people I am a sex therapist and that ethics prevent me from counseling people that I meet outside of the office.

    My husband, who is *not* an IT person at all, used to be the manager of the online portion of a company. Our crazy neighbors asked him to come into their house one day to fix some computer glitch because he was a "computer guy." This was early on, so he was maybe 29 or so when this happened and didn't want to rock the neighbor boat. Well, apparently, the computer the whole family used was in the bed room of the morbidly obese bed-bound 30 + year old son... and dude didn't wear clothes in bed, if you get the picture. My poor husband was scarred. I cannot, for the life of me, figure out how you would want your neighbor to see your naked, barely covered with a sheet, shut in son.
    Brain Bleach!!

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  4. And don't even get me started on family members...

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  5. That is so wrong. Our policy at home is ignore the door unless we're expecting someone.

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  6. That is so wrong.....on many levels.

    It happens to us all. If I want to ask someone's professional opinion, I usually ask for their card or wait until we are really good friends first and there is some kind of mutual understanding about what's ok. Oh, yeah....and if I do ask, I try to keep it within their field of expertise!

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  7. My IT hubby often wears a T-shirt to family funtions that says, "No, I will not fix your computer". And hopefully we will never need to bother our good friend for medical assistance...he's an urologist

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  8. On the otherside there are Nurses, Paramedics, EMTs, and I suspect physicians that love the attention. This usually involves doing procedures that are beyond their scope of practice or typical skill set (e.g. going to a yak herder for what might be an STI because he lives in your `hood).

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  9. I live in Texas...if I'm not expecting someone, I generally have a gun behind my back when I answer the door!

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  10. I have found that telling people that I am a retired porn star usually does the trick. They don't even want their kids to visit me at Halloween. Tee hee hee.

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  11. With my luck I'd have a creepy neighbor ask what movies he might see me in if I tried that one, FranTick.

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  12. Had a mom from my daughter's school call to tell me her child got hurt playing basketball 2 dyas ago- could I x-ray her child's hand for her? Not if I like my license I can't!

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  13. I was doing yoga in my living room one Sunday morning when a neighbor came knocking on the door. He said the hospital commander's cat is sick, and she knew the vet lived here (not sure how) but I need to call her....sigh, ended up performing emergency laporatomy to remove a door stopper rubber thing from this cat's duodenum. Needless to say, yoga was never completed.

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  14. I'm glad I'm not the only one who uses the old "IRS" or "accountant" diversion to avoid hearing about some idiot's dog who won't stop licking his feet. And I'm just a student...

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